“Trust not to outward show, in every street, obscenity in formal garb we meet.” – Juvenal
“Y’all just piss on me, shit on me, spit on my grave
Talk about me, laugh behind my back but in my face
Y’all some well wishing, friendly acting, envy hiding snakes” – Nas
The following is a note for those who have been instructed to unfollow or block me. Those who are doing so because you find me unfunny, uninteresting, unintelligent or otherwise underwhelming…you have my sympathy. You should try BEING me, I can’t escape at all.
My Dearest Soon-To-Be Unfollower,
Hi there! Please know this, you go with my blessing and without the slightest hint of hard feelings. We may have known each other only slightly, or perhaps never interacted at all. Or we may have talked and laughed together, I may have helped you with things, you may have helped me with things. You may have offered me support and kind thoughts when I was sad or ill, or I may have done the same for you. I would like to think that, if you asked for my help in any way, you felt that I did my best to give it even if it wasn’t much use to you in the end.
You may have thought you knew me well, or you may not. Either way, your opinion has changed and you can no longer be associated with me. You hear tell, whispered to you in quiet rooms, in the dark, outside of my hearing, that I have done terrible, cruel things. I have mocked and lied and put people’s lives and livelihoods at risk. Everything good I ever did was self-serving at heart, a way to hoover in compliments from the naive and credulous. Every confession of weakness I made was self-pitying, a way to garner sympathy and compassion from those fool enough to believe I deserved it.
It’s the word on the street. You heard it through the grapevine. I bet you’re wondering how I knew.
Nobody was safe from my reign of terror. Anyone causing me the slightest passing annoyance was crushed by the awesome power of my snide comments from secret accounts. I was the Alexander the Great of sarcasm. I was Attila the Pun. My enemies trembled in the face of my power.
And on the surface, there I was, maintaining my fake persona of a shambling, moody Eeyorish figure who kept trying to do the right thing but not really expecting anything to work out properly. Someone who is vastly more likely to be angry and cruel to himself than to others. Even in DM or by email or in person, I kept up the facade. Almost as if that’s who I really am.
I can’t blame you for believing what you’ve been told though. The people who told you seemed credible, well-liked, articulate, sensitive. And to have a track record of choosing the very finest people to get close to. Well, perhaps not that. But they DO have mounds of evidence for their claims. Well, perhaps not that either. But ANYWAY, they seem brave in the face of my callousness, maintaining their humour despite the hurt I have caused. It’s enough to bring a tear to the eye.
I know some of the things that have been said about me, and about other people too. I know some of the things that have been done so that they can be blamed on me, or others. I’m willing to bet that there are many things I don’t know about. You have probably been put in a difficult position, maybe you’ve been told that you have to choose, that anything less than blocking me is a treacherous act and you are no better than me if you remain my friend.
So, please know, I understand. You aren’t the first and you won’t be the last. It’s fine. Really. You can come back later if you like, I won’t have a tantrum. I’d only ask that you hold at the back of your mind a question: “If the people who told me these things are lying, and they know that they’re lying, and put me in this position anyway, how much trust should I place in them myself?”
One final quote, if you’ll indulge me before you go, from Sam Vaknin’s “The Intermittent Explosive Narcissist”:
“Any threat to the narcissist’s grandiose and fantastic self-perception as perfect, omnipotent, omniscient, and entitled to special treatment, regardless of their actual achievement, [causes injury]. The narcissist actively solicits adulation, compliments, admiration, subservience, attention [and] dreads possible disruptions in their flow. No wonder [they] are prone to raging, lashing and acting out and to pathological, all-consuming envy.”
I hope to see you again.
Yours Sincerely (OR AM I?!?!)